Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
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I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
The Goonies went looking for pirate treasure and ended up finding the greatest treasure of all: pirate treasure.
Erm…
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
Couldn’t afford a butterfly knife, so I got a caterpillar one. Now, I wait.
me as a serial killer would be trying to snap someone’s neck and just making them look to the left real quick.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I just cleaned my floors. If you need me I’ll be crawling around, picking up every new crumb by hand and grumbling about how my family needs to eat outside for the next 2 days.
I cannot afford to get my wife a new Lexus for Christmas so I’ll be tying a red ribbon on a pair of Sketchers and setting them in the driveway.
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
💯😂
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
greetings!
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
When your parents check you’re ok.
my bf is so against gender roles that he won’t let me do his laundry. like, he even writes not to do it on the tags. 🙄😅 so babe, if you’re reading this, I know you said Do Not Machine Wash, Dry Clean Only, but I wanted to surprise you! your suit is in the dryer as we speak 🥰💕
I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Him: It’s been 20 minutes! I know what you’re doing in there! Stop it!
Me: *in shower* No! I’ve waited all day!
Him: Don’t do it! Get out!
Me: *touching my face* You can’t stop me!
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
*first year living alone*
Me: *runs out of bedroom on Christmas Day to find no presents* what
Looking up the guy who’s running at me progressively faster
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think