If you give a mouse a cookie did you shriek and jump up on a chair first?
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This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
I only treason on days ending in y
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
Sometimes I find myself feeling hopeful for the future of the human race but then I remember there are grown men who like My Little Pony.
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a possessed artifact to me.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
I’ve slept with enough babysitters to know how to raise a kid thanks mom
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
Don’t worry if you haven’t disappointed anyone today, I’ve disappointed enough people for both of us.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Daughter singing: In your hand… In your hand.
Me: Zombie? It’s in your HEAD.
D: No! The car keys you’ve been looking for the last 10 mins.
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
I’m OK with people clapping when the plane lands IF they boo when it crashes
My life in a nutshell
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon