*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
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rapatouille
it’s highly problematic to celebrate the 4th of july when there are literally hundreds of other days in july
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
“YoU’Re nOt gOiNg tO gEt a jOb WiTh tHoSe tAtToOs”
First of all, bold of you to assume I’m employable without my tattoos
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
Was your teacher drunk when he made your multiple choice test?
1) Yes
Δ) No
%) I love you guys
M) 8
•) Potato
Therapist: Go to your happy place
Me: Ok
Therapist: Good, where are you?
Me: In a bathtub full of Sausage Egg McMuffins
Therapist: I’m sorry, what?
Me: The beach, I said the beach
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
me: let me tell you about the fast and the furious movies
him: no spoilers
me: i assure you there are a ton
If you’re already in the cop car, I really can’t see how puking in it could make things any worse.
*gave my child a coin to throw in a wishing fountain*
“What did you wish for?”
“I wished I could throw a coin in the fountain.”
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
have unfortunately discovered you can ask gpt4 to write you a rupi kaur poem and it does a really good job
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.
Because that child would not be OK today.
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
Art teacher: Take your seats, the model is ready
Me: *Disrobes and strikes a pose*
Model: Who the hell are you
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
No one:
My 6YO daughter: Mom had three cocks today.
(I had three cokes and she needs to work on her reading)
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.