“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
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Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
ChatGPT’s primary use is to generate plausible excuses to leave dinner at the in-laws’.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
Remember back in the good old days when someome looked at you wrong, all you had to do was call them a witch and POOF problem solved
1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
I don’t throw anything out anymore I just go to TGIFriday’s once a month and glue more shit to the wall no one notices try it
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
“Hi, I’d like a Junior McChicken and a cheeseburger please.”
“$3.23.”
“Oh, and a bottle of water.”
“$87.54. Please drive thru.”
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
Elbows may look like chicken skin, but they don’t fry up the same.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
If you answer the phone and say “Hello, you’re on the air.” most telemarketers will hang up quickly.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Can Happiness buy money?
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
So we’re agreed: if that balloon flies over any of us, we moon it like it’s 1978