What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
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My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
My life coach just asked me leave because apparently she has “other pedicures to do” and doesn’t “speak English”.
If you run through an airport yelling “Marybeth I love you don’t go!” then you can cut through so many lines of people who like romance.
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
what idiot called it a chicken instead of an eggplant
My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
Why there can’t be an Indian Breaking Bad.
I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
I like to think Jesus rose after, like, 20 minutes, but then had to spend 3 days trying to move the rock from the cave.
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
I’m tired of writing “Sent from my iPhone” at the end of all me e-mails, maybe I should just get an iPhone
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
So anyway, my mom and all her opinions are visiting this weekend
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass