Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
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Then suddenly you’re a mom declaring ownership over swept dirt on the kitchen floor yelling DON’T YOU DARE WALK THROUGH MY DIRT PILE
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
My husband and I now have an app that tells us if the garage door is open or closed and this effectively gets rid of 90% of conversation during car rides.
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
run away with me except we’re driving so we’ll mostly sit
The road to hell is paved with good intentions
Note to self…avoid good intentions at all costs.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I’m coaching my son’s soccer team because it’s important that he knows I’ll swear at other kids, too.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Husband: Can you ever be serious?
Me *using candy corn as fangs* Yeth.
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
Remember when double entry was an accounting term?
The thing about someone cropping you out of a photo is that this person thought it’d be more off putting to be seen with you than with a dismembered arm
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
This summer, a rom-com dares to ask the question, “Can a 9 date an 8?”