therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
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Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
I am at my most pretend homemaker when I have a repair person in the house. Who me? Oh I’m just gonna sit here and handsew the trim back on this pillow and when I’m finished with that I’m going to sort my dried flowers for two hours.
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
me: does anyone here play baseball
england: *crickets*
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
Me: I’m not interested in you that way
Them: Which way?
Me: Pick one
son: I hate my name
me: but you’re named after your grandpappy
son: I still hate it
me: now look here Grandpappy Tanaka
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
Time for bed!
*puts phone down*Oops, forgot to set my alarm!
*picks phone back up and surfs the web for 7.5 hrs*
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
I bet newlyweds never wonder if their spouse is snoring that loud on purpose
ME: *pointing gun* Give me everything.
WORKER: Sir, this is a pet shelter.
ME: I know.
*carried off into the sunset by a wave of animals*
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
Getting all my homies to like my enemies bad tweets so they’re socially conditioned to tweet worse
Parents having a difficult time home schooling their kids – I really feel for you. Nothing could have prevented this. Well, except condoms probably.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
magician: can i get a volunteer from the audience
me: *already sawing myself in half*
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.