When someone asks for advice about dumping their partner, they don’t mean in the woods.
I know that now.
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‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Whoever named the White House and the Pentagon also probably named oranges.
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
If you bring A TREE into the house, it must be climbed. Why are you so upset? You’re not being logical.
—cats in Christmas trees
I’m starting to think the guy offering to check for lumps inside his van was not as legit as his cardboard certificate claimed.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Remember when everyone was tweeting about how bad 2019 was and we couldn’t wait until it was over?
2019: “How you like me now?”
I thought I was a good person until my daughter asked me, “Would you step on a dog for 8 million dollars?”
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Him: I’m thinking about shaving my beard
Her: Okay
Him: You don’t mind?
Her: Nope
Him: Great
Her: I’m thinking about getting a divorce
Him: You’ve made your point
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.
I love Bruce Lee because he studied art and poetry and decided the most beautiful form of self expression is punching someone in the face
Watching married people in love on twitter is so refreshing…
It would be even more refreshing, if they were married to eachother
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning