You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
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When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
[dinner]
SIS: I have allergies.
BRO: Nothing worse this time of year.
ME: I have a guy who couldn’t pronounce a safe word and is in a coma.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
If the only way you can make money with your degree is to become a professor teaching the subject…
Then you have–by definition–joined a pyramid scheme.
I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
[magicians backstage] don’t panic guys but I think we really just sawed that woman in half
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
I finally finished season one of searching Netflix.
I’m an Easter egg in the streets and a deviled egg in the sheets.
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Studies show that 100% of all parents think alcohol tastes much better after spending the day with children.
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
My cat has a legal name but she prefers to go by her pet name.
You kids may find it hard to believe but there was a time when a new Star Wars or Marvel movie didn’t feel like a homework assignment.
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
Me: *eating chips in bed*
Husband: I thought you said no eating in the bed.
Me: We live in a different world now.
Husband: So, I can-
Me: *interrupts* No.
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
My gynecologist didn’t think my ventriloquism skills were as charming as I did.