Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
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Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
My computer just gave me an “Error 404” message, which can’t be right because I know I’ve made way more errors than that.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Why are people scared of flying?! The Earth is a giant spaceship with no pilots. That’s way scarier.
Lost your keys?
Why not try looking in the same two places 16 times whilst getting increasingly angrier
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
I enjoy holding the door open for people who are far away so they feel like they have to run a little.
Only in Canada during a winter storm will you see kids playing road hockey.
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
never underestimate the power of positive thinking, and also never underestimate the power of waving a tire iron or a gun around
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
My mum has asked for ‘bath stuff’ for Christmas so I’ve bought her a toaster.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
parties in 2004: I hope I don’t get drunk and tell mindy I like her
parties in 2017: I hope this beer company doesn’t support genocide
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
Ok, milk… Check!
Potato salad… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”