not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
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Me: A watched pot never boils.
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: Try turning on the stove, idiot.
INTERVIEWER: What’s your greatest strength?
ME: Getting out of corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: Uhm…ok. And your greatest weakness?
ME: I keep finding myself unexpectedly in corn mazes.
INTERVIEWER: *realizes he’s in a corn maze* What the hell?
ME: Guess this is my time to shine.
internal pockets are for perverts. stay chaste by only using cargo pockets
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: I think we should take the next step. I want you to meet my parents
Her: now that we’ve been married for eleven years?
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
My noisy upstairs neighbour reminds me of that person I killed next week.
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
boss: you’re fired
me: [like a movie director] CUT…CUT… ok try again but this time don’t say that
[city marathon]
ME *handing out drinks to the passing runners*: DRINK?
RUNNER *grabs drink from me*: THANKS
ME *chasing*: SO WHAT ARE WE?
[playing checkers]
him: king me
me: *places a crown on his head and incites a peasant rebellion that results in his public decapitation* checkmate
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Nicknames are way more fun when the other person doesn’t know they have one.
On your deathbed tell everyone “pray for me” then make sure to leave a note to be opened after you die that says “pray harder next time”
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
When my wife and I argue it’s usually over something petty like “what are we going to watch tonight?” or “who’s that guy you were just having sex with?”
For the record Tom is just a friend.
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
I only had kids so I’d have a valid excuse for always being late