If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
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Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
Me: *cutting fingernails*
Man next to me on bus: please stop cutting my nails
[post-apocalypse open mic]
Me: So…how’s everyone’s bone health tonight? Vitamin D & calcium levels looking gooood??
Crowd: *rickets*
Me: *crying*
Tween: *crying*
Husband: I thought you two were doing math homework together.
Me: We are.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
On my 5 year old’s report card it said, “He is encouraged to ask more questions”.
ARE YOU KIDDING ME.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
Troubleshooting steps when your car won’t start in the morning:
1. Call in sick
2. Go back to bed
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
My real introduction to classical music came from watching Tom and Jerry cartoons as a kid. Also how I got into sadism.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Me: i am not being ratatouilled by a mcnugget
The McNugget Rattatoulleing Me: PUT UR HAND IN THE DEEP FRIER
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
“No man is an island.”
– someone with a basic grasp of land forms and human biology
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”