Someone tried to persuade me to go to a party by saying, “Are you sure? There’s gonna be a lot of people there.” Oh then definitely no
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The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
[god, creating chickens]
Put a red beard on a fat hiccuping sparrow. Give him a matching hat, I don’t care
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
[joyriding in stolen Lamborghini]
HER: No way this thing does 150.
ME: Only one way to find out…
[pulls over & checks wikipedia]
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
Kids going as Batman for Halloween should not be accompanied by parents unless those parents are dressed as ghosts
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
The opening notes of “Yeah” by Usher sound like a straw going in and out of a McDonald’s soft drink cup
When witches and warlocks correspond about their carnal passions, they’re hexting
When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
My dogs keep looking at me as if I have the power to fix the snow outside but I’m too goddamned lazy to do it
* My life flashes before my eyes*
Me, a mom: Why did I only see laundry?!