Keeping a blood capsule in my mouth for the next guy who tells me to smile.
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Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
Me: I want you to make me a better person
Frankenstein: you barely touch the one you have now
The liquor store has hours of operation but I call them visiting hours.
Waiter: don’t touch the plate, it’s extremely hot
Me: ok
My Brain: we are 100% going to touch that plate
Me: ok
even bears disappoint their mothers
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
[Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle: _’_ L_ _E T_ S_ L_E T_E _ _ _ _LE
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
Contestant: “I’d like to solve the puzzle.”
Pat Sajak: “Okay.”
If you refer to your air guitar using air quotes, does that mean you have a real guitar?
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
I love how some stores don’t even bother hiding that they sell fakes. I respect the hell out of a shop that has Professor Martins front and center. Yes please I will take one pair of Air Georges.
I met my wife on Tinder.!
*After 4 months of marriage
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
me: hey siri
siri: (long, deep sigh) what
If someone knocks on your door, knock back from the other side. That someone will go away. It works. Trust me, I just tried it this morning.
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
him: your so cute! why are you alone!?
me: you’re
him: …
me: hello? hello?
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
My dad is at it again
GF: I think I’m gunna start a Twitter account
Me: *whips head around* I’ll help you set it up!
*Grabs GF’s phone and hurls it into the Sun*
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.