[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
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*shipwrecked diary*
Day 1: alone, doing well. Mentally sound. Met a crab
Day 2: I have married the crab.
Day 3: I have eaten my wife.
I brought sexy back and man was that Kohl’s cashier confused.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
Oh sweet embrace of morning, envelope me in your welcoming arms & brightly shine on this glorious GODDAMMIT! WHO DIDN’T FLUSH THE TOILET?!
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
the hardest part of taking nudes is cleaning your room
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
the worst part about getting murdered has to be meeting a new person
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and a dog that plays ping pong
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
According to this box of spaghetti I am an Italian family of 8
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
jesus: hey dad
God: hey
jesus: happy Father’s Day
God: thanks bud
God: hey listen man so im gonna need u to die on a cross
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
This old rich guy pointed to a jungle and said I had 20 minutes before he started hunting me. He seems pretty mad that I’m just standing here tweeting.
People who call themselves “grammar Nazis” deserve the worst possible sentence.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
hedgehog getting an x-ray looks like a whoopee cushion is being interrogated
Sperm 1: I think I’ve got a shot at a Nobel Peace Prize.
Sperm 2: Not me, I’m looking for a cure for Cancer.
Sperm 3 through 18.2 Mil: We’ve heard good things about the Xbox.
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does