My bank statement looks like a 9 yr old stole my debit card & used it to eat lunch at every shitty place he could think of for a month.
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So excited! I’m taking an online grammar class. No more typos for me.
Nolege is power biches!
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Friend: How’s the wine?
Me: It’s exCHARDONNARY—
Friend: *taking my glass away* No.
uncle dave has been through hell
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My cat flicked a spider in my face just now. Soon as I finish screaming it’s time for me to go to bed
Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
#FF @funTweeters. They’re the crazies, I tell ya! #humor
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
(When I hear a news report of someone getting run over while walking their dog) IS THE DOG OKAY JUST TELL ME THE DOG IS OKAY
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
Pie is superior to cake. Nobody makes a cake chart.
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
My safe word is Worcestershire
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
If you want to make someone happy, leave the room and come back in as an outdoor cedar soaking tub near a quiet cabin in Topanga.
The story of George Washington chopping down the cherry tree is my favorite tale of honesty, integrity, and giving a child an ax
WE ARE CURRENTLY EXPERIENCING HIGH CALL VOLUMES. WE RECOMMEND HOLDING THE PHONE AWAY FROM YOUR EAR.
ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.
[First Date]
*staring up at the stars
Her: “This is a little weird. Can we go now?”
Me: “But a lot of women find this very romantic…”
*Beyonce gives us the finger & closes the blinds, while Jay-Z starts dialing the cops
*Wakes up in Superman’s body*
Me: Holy crap! I’m finally a hero!
*Uses heat vision to re-heat last night’s pizza & puts on Netflix*
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.