I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
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Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days
She gets stoked after reading:
“Big strapping boxer” on dating siteBut soon discovers he’s a 475 lb.
guy working in shipping at Amazon.
Netflix, stop making me wait 15 seconds between episodes. I can’t click because I’m eating cereal and a sandwich.
pep talk
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Do I consider myself to be mentally stable? Buddy, I don’t even have a horse…
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.
[first day as librarian]
guy: i’m looking for a book—
me: —YOU SIR ARE IN LUCK
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
I usually bring an air horn to a funeral to make sure the person is really dead.
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
It was suggested I gargle salt water to ease gum pain. Found potato chips works just as well. Salt is salt
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Them: You’re too focused on revenge
Me: Oh yeah? We’ll see about that
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry.
…so does murder.
[puts a tub of Blue Bell in the cart]
Ma’am, did you hear there was a recall? That could be deadly.
[slowly puts second tub in cart]
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.