how much longer is mercury in the microwave i don’t know if i can handle it
You Might Also Like
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
i made my dad a beetloaf and he tried to run me over with his van
I have an idea for a website where people seeking to share their views and ideas can get together and ignore each other.
If my girl didn’t want me to wear her new Christmas thong, she shouldn’t have said she bought it “for me.”
Women are confusing.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
The Godfather: keep your friends close, but your enemies closer
Mrs The Godfather: WHAT
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
Do we still do thirst traps threads? I’m having a really good bellybutton day and it’s totally going to waste
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
If you’re having a bad day, it’s because Mercury is in ketosis.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?
Me: oh definitely Star Wars
Them: ……
Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away
Me: it’s also my favorite historical film
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Where did birds even sit to contemplate life before power lines were invented
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
It’s not a competition, we’re both tired and I’m way more tired than you.
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.
ISAAC NEWTON: i have just discovered gravity
EVERYONE ELSE: hey how come i can’t float around anymore
I was in a band called Click Bait. You won’t believe the kind of music we recorded. Track number 5 will blow your mind.
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!
[Extremely heavy metal voice]
HELL YES I WOULD LOVE TO HOLD YOUR BABY
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.