I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
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ME: *does entire national anthem with armpit farts*
WIFE: see what I mean?
THERAPIST: Mmmhmm *writes in notes: “she’s nuts. This guy rules*
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Digs hole so deep to bury feelings I end up in China
How school works:
In class: 2+2=4
Homework: 2+4+2=8
Exam: John had 4 apples.He eats one and gives one to a friend. Calculate the Sun’s mass.
Please don’t take illegal substances.
Or at least, don’t take MY illegal substances.
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.
I’m at a legal conference called “Divorce on the Beach.”
My 9 yr old asked where my husband and I were going and I said, “Divorce on the Beach,” and he looked me straight in the eye and said, “Awww that’s too bad.”
I just spent £16.01 in Tesco.
Cashier: ‘Have you got the one?’
Me: ‘Yes, I think I have. We’ve been together a while now.’
Cashier: ‘Eh?’
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
the girl behind me on this 14 hr flight has brought a UKULELE and she is PLAYING IT
We only use 10% of our brains because the other 90% is busy regretting saying “You too!” to a waiter after he said “Enjoy your meal.”
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
To everyone with a motorcycle: your motorcycle is very loud & we are all very proud of you.
nurse: are you allergic to any medicine?
me: laughter
nurse: hahaha. OH MY GOD-
me [face swelling up]: i thold thou.
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Answering this for men everywhere & this patient. Yes, it is unusual & incredibly icky to flirt with me while I’m checking your prostate.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
i get all my pet peeves from a peeve rescue
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
Texts should come with a decoder ring, because wtf do you mean by “hey…”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait