Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
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I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
It’s almost Mother’s Day.
Big shout out to the hamsters that eat their young.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
oh shit
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
I love it when I’m cooking a meal and half way through I realise I don’t have all the ingredients so I improvise by eating a cake instead.
“how’d your football team football today?”
those footballers footballed quite well…really good footballin’
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
my bf is on a plane to miami right now and a bulldog in the row next to him just had diarrhea. everyone freaked out, the dog owner began sobbing, and the dog escaped. now, covered in poo, it is running around the plane. people are lifting up their legs and screaming.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
if you are getting the names Jon and John confused call them by their full names, Jonaldo and Johnaldo
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
me: hey can we pick up my mom on the way to church
uber: sure
me: cool I’ll cancel the hearse
[invention of history]
Well last time you said you didn’t need to write it down and we both know how that turned out.
I just took a shower…
You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
Am I religious? Not really.
Am I praying nobody else pukes tonight? Lord yes.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.