You’re either passionately pro or anti-cilantro, there is no middle ground.
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I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there’s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Boss: You can’t or you won’t do it?
Me: Yes
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
[Alligator feeding at the zoo]
Me: Hey let me do it
Keeper: 1st time?
M: Heck no
*alligator takes me by the arm*
I WAS JUST BRAGGING SAVE ME
Just took $20 out of my friend Martin’s wallet (he has ALS) because that ice bucket nonsense ruined my new kimono.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
I forgot to pay off my exorcism loan, and now I’m being repossessed.
Every time I attend a wedding I try to get the DJ to play “The Monster Mash.” One time I took the bride’s phone and texted the DJ with it. Another time I claimed I was the bride’s brother and that it was a really important in-joke between the couple. I’m batting .700
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
I love the excitement and suspense of hitting a bump on a back road at night. Like, was it a body? Was it not a body? Lol so fun
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
will you marry me?
“OMG YES! I love you!!!”
*imagines typing only 4 characters for ‘wife’ instead of ‘girlfriend’ on Twitter*
I love you too
the women in tampon commercials should switch places with the women in antidepressant commercials
[Beautiful woman doing bench press at the gym]
HER: four… five… *struggling* a little help please
ME: six
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.