I could never be a hostage taker, too many phone calls
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Getting a paper cut in the exact same place 2 days in a row is how I know I pissed off a witch.
I can’t deal with men any longer
Cats love it when you give them a mohawk
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Starbucks job interview:
“What’s your name?”
“Alyssa”
“Spell that please”
“L A R I S S A”
“When can you start?”
If the police ask, I was in my house from 2009 to 2013.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
“You’re a rather handsome woman” isn’t a great opener on Tinder apparently
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
Slept on the floor last night for fun with the kids and now I’m paralyzed
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Irrational fear 807: being spoken to by a comedian during their performance. I would die a thousand proverbial deaths and a single real one.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
Million dollar idea: App that mutes all crying babies, barking dogs, and car horns in movies.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
“I didn’t choose the thug life.” I explain, entering an institution of higher learning.
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
“Hi, my daughter will be late to school because she can zip up her jacket by herself.”
Relationship- Significant other
Writer- Significant Author
Round Table- Significant Arthur
Corporations- Significant Auditor
Zookeeper- Significant Otter
[Couples Therapy]
HER: He keeps pretending he’s a doctor. This relationship is dead
HIM: I’m calling it. Time of death, 9:26
ME: OMG SEE!