Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
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My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
When I can’t afford strobe lighting for my house parties, I just ask everyone to blink in time to the music instead.
I feel bad for the children of Vegans because no one gets found when their picture’s on the back of unsweetened organic almond milk.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
Bedtime:
Brush teeth
Put on pjs
Read
Turn off light
Put them back in bed
Put them back in bed
Threaten everything they love
Put them back
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
I made a robot to help me argue on the internet
[Halloween]
Me: How adorable! I love your ghost costume!
14: *sigh* I AM NOT A GHOST! I’M SHEET-FACED.
My whole life is like that 2 seconds before you sneeze
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Why is there never a child around when you need help opening a bottle of Tablets with a child proof lock?
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
[first day as an art thief]
Me: (pointing gun at sculpture) give me your money
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an undetectable patch of ice on a 70 mph expressway.
Me: [has trouble opening up to people and making real, lasting connections my entire life]
My Kid: [makes 3 new friends and joins a gang on his first day of 4th grade]
What does it mean when you’re on a date and he pushes you in front of a bus?
You might hate the last couple of years but no one hates it more than people named Alexa
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Trainer: WHAT DO YOU WANT?
Me: A BIKINI BODY
T: WHEN DO YOU WANT IT?
Just after I finish this beer.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I dont get laid nearly enough for someone who can name five different types of pokemon.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe