Name another movie that mislead you?
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When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
The school had a plant sale and at pickup I heard the mom of a little girl with 2 small plants say “That’s all you got?? I gave you $60!”
We are all that mom.
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
me: they’re having a special, buy 3 dvds get 1 free
wife: so why do you have 4 space jam’s?
me: …because it’s buy 3 get 1 free
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I’m listening
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
thanks, but I’M TOO FAR AWAY FOR YOU TO BE HOLDING THE DOOR OPEN FOR ME WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS STOP IT
Made a weird face in the mirror this morning and I looked like Ted Cruz. This is my suicide note.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[first date]
HER: So, I hear you’re a dog person-
ME: [tucking my tail between my legs] WHO TOLD YOU
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
Her: We’re having twins!
Me: WHO IS THE OTHER FATHER?!?!!
When I use my grandmother’s cast iron skillet I feel close to her. Even though she’s way, way up there repairing the space station
My flight was delayed
-boring
-pathetic
-i never would have let that happen to meI have been waylaid on my voyage
-oh shit
-thats so mysterious what does he mean
-this guy must be forlorn as hell
If you are flying out of DC on virgin today, check under your seat for a very large mom bra. It’s like a talk show giveaway!
CHEF: You’re fired
ME: Is it cause I call beef patty’s “beef patricias?”
CHEF: Yes
ME: Can I have some Switzerland cheese bef-
CHEF: GET OUT
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Wife: “Sorry, but my OBGYN said no sex for six weeks after childbirth.”
Me: “Oh, ok. What about…”
Wife: “My dentist said six weeks too.”
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
ME: honey, it’s really muggy out today
WIFE: if I go outside & all our mugs are on the front lawn, I’m leaving u
ME: *sips coffee from bowl*
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?