It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
You Might Also Like
Bit chilly again tonight.
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
Occam’s razor: the simplest answer is most often correct
Occam’s toothbrush: show off
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
Normal Person: *has a bad dream, says “that was weird haha” and goes on with day*
Me: *has a bad dream, thinks of ways to make it into an unusual, horrifying plot for a novel, then get writer’s block, can’t finish it, and say “that was weird haha” and go on with my day*
@thefunnytweeter With the way my diet is going, I think I’ll be much more slimmer after this quarantine.
me: I’m quitting, here’s my badge and gun
zookeeper: your what
Me: how much for the seal Dracula
Zoo keeper: that’s a walrus
Cashier at McDonalds said “See you later” a little too smugly at breakfast. I did not appreciate her condescension and told her so at lunch.
“Aaaaaaaaand done!”
-me, breaking the last of my new year’s resolutions
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
Whoever first said “I’m in a pickle” must have had the weirdest day.
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t
ME: it was a dark and cold february morning in a town of secrets
ME: (feet on desk) the dame walked in like a panther lost in a Toys-R-Us – angry and full of questions
CUSTOMER: look do you have the book or not
ME: (lights cigar) she had bad news written all over her