apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
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its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Technically lava can kill coronavirus, but there’s a good reason why no-one is using it in the fight against the ongoing pandemic: nothing else would survive the encounter with molten rock either.
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
My friend used to play sports. Then she realized you can buy trophies. Now she’s good at everything.
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
You don’t have to drive me crazy, I’m close enough to walk.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
god: you have outlived your purpose
dinosaurs: give us another chance
god: fine
dinosaur chicken nuggets: not like this
Tried to shop at the plagiarism store, unfortunately they only take credit.
Doctor: your body has run out of magnesium
Me: 0mg
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
{during sex}
Her: are you eating a taco?
Me: *wiping taco shell crumbs off her back* what?
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Since I started making yachts in my shed, sails have gone through the roof
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
I hope Justin Bieber’s on the next season of “16 and Pregnant”
Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW:
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
If you ever feel dumb, take comfort in knowing I was listening to music on my airpods while vacuuming and did 3 rooms before I realized the vacuum wasn’t even on.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
Im so mad Trump pulled out of the Paris Climate Agreement that I’m going to go read the Paris Climate Agreement now.