Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?
Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.
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Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
one of
Judging by the bites I woke up with this morning, I got felt up by a spider last night.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
Ladies,
When someone asks why you’re single, tell them you’re overqualified.
gonna play video games. i need a mental escape from politics, it feels like the apocalypse
-plays Fallout, a game about living in the apocalypse-
According to a new study, people who often trail off in the middle of a sentence are 30% more likely to
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Put the is in disheveled
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
I didn’t realize how much I loved Ben Franklin until my son said “all he did was invent electricity concepts with that kite and key” – I said HE INVENTED SO MUCH MORE, YOU TAKE THAT BACK
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
I was getting fed up at my job and was considering quitting but they’ve upgraded the toilet paper in the office restroom so I’m good now.
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.
WIFE: you need to stick to your budget
ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen