A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.
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Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.
A smart woman knows when to give up and walk away
A southern woman has a shotgun and a shovel named give up and walk away
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
Kung fu movie idea:
She’s 72 years old and has 24 cats. For decades, she’s been absorbing cat kung fu from watching them.
When the landlord tries to wrongfully evict everyone in her building, they must face the wrath of
KUNG FU CAT LADY
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
My husband said we should have one date night each month. I said, “Great! I’ll take Johnny Depp. Who do you want?”
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
*Writes a song for you*
*Sings it under your bedroom window*
*You call the cops*
*Your husband falls in love with me*
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
King Tut: I just need a one-time investment from you to get my tomb business going
me: I don’t know, kinda sounds like a pyram–
King Tut: like a what?
me: *sigh* sounds like a multi-level mausoleum
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, that’s going to happen.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
I hate babies when they are crying. I hate people who love babies & think babies are cute. I hate grown up babies who make more babies.
“Why you watching this shit?”
This burned out sign has given me the permission I need to take care of my neighborhood grocer once and for all
Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”
the most bizarre thing about scientology compared to any other religion is that it was founded by a guy named “Ron”