Why is “Dark” spelled with a K, and not a C ?
Because you can’t C in the dark.
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Zeus: This box contains all the evils of the world: disease, death, hatred, racism, chaos –
Me: And I must never open it?
Zeus: You must open it every morning before you’ve even barely woken up
Wife: “Tony is coming round”
Me: “Charity collector Tony or Mafia boss Tony?”
Tony: “I’m here for the money.”
*DRAMATIC CLIFFHANGER*
“That looks interesting. I think I’ll eat it.” – Sharks and Toddlers
My daughter, a hair stylist, has a tiny pair of scissors tattooed behind her ear with tiny red teardrops for clients she accidently stabbed.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Kid: I don’t like mac-n-cheese anymore.
DENIAL: You still like it.
ANGER: YOU WILL EAT IT!
DEPRESSION: *crying*
BARGAINING: If you eat it, you can have dessert.
ACCEPTANCE: I will make you chicken nuggets.Kid: I don’t like chicken nuggets anymore.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
If you’re ever pulled over by the police just tell them you pay their salary.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
“Rotisserie chicken” should be a size for fanny packs.
6:00pm
Me: Hey, Bud. Getting hungry?
4: nope6:15
Me: almost ready for dinner?
4: not yet6:25
Me: Time to wash your hands to eat.
4: But I’m not hungry6:30
Me: are you-
4: I’M STARVINGGG. WHY IS MY FOOD TAKING SO LOOONG? WHEN ARE WE GONNA EEEAT? WHY DON’T YOU LOVE MEEE?
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
I’ve eaten enough chinese food in my day that my fortune cookies have started to contradict one another
Friend: oh my god there’s two of you
My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear
Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
McDonald’s Drive thru: Sorry Drive Thru is closed. You can come inside if you want.
Me: Um
McDonald’s: We’re having some technical difficulties and are overwhelmed right now and decided to shut it down.And that’s how I learned about the importance of self care from McDonald’s.
So if you eat what you like and don’t exercise, eventually you get a motorised scooter.
I’m really not seeing the down side here.
for $5 ill facetime you on thanksgiving and pretend to be your gf that cant make it because i accidentally went to four seasons total landscaping
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
Hey girl are you my golf clubs? Because I tottaly forgot to take you out of my trunk.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.