Have I ever steered you wrong?
*flashback to you at zoo in bear suit
Me: They wont attack if ur dressed like one of them, now go get my ball
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*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
Oh look, it’s bad-decisions-o’clock
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
watering my plants with Mtn Dew to recreate their native environment
I’m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they’ve won the Canadian lottery.
Establish your dominance with the drive-thru attendant by saying, “That completes my order” before they ask.
kid: I feel funny, mom
mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
HER: so what do you do?
ME: i’m a mathemagician
HER: you mean a mathematician?
ME: [divides by zero] no
I told my doctor that my back was bothering me. He said, “Get a bar & hang”.
Now I’m hanging out in a bar & I admit, my back feels better.
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
I think High School birth control classes should just be forcing the students to watch videos of me taking my 3 kids to the grocery store
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.