[after my funeral]
Someone: hey remember in the Neverending Story when Artax the horse was in the swamp of sadn—
My disembodied spirit: NO. Still too soon.
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hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
Bout to have the best sleep of my life
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
scrooge: who are you
ghost: i’m the ghost of christmas present
scrooge: so santa claus
ghost: NOT THAT KIND OF PRESENT
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
Them: ‘Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.’
Twitter: actually, we know a little bit about it.
figuring out my emotional availability:
I took my 4yo to the playground for the first time in months and based on what I’m seeing I think they’re teaching parkour in kindergarten these days
I enjoy long walks away from the scene of the crime.
My daughter made handmade Christmas cards for friends and family. She decided to abbreviate some of the words to make the work go faster. Instead of writing “I made this for you” her cards read “I made this f you”. I’d correct her but it seems like the perfect 2020 sentiment.
Your girlfriend isn’t hallucinating man, she’s actually seeing other people.
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
My nutritionist suggested I eat in front of a mirror in order to slow down and not eat as much and HOLY SHIT THIS IS SO SEXY.
Husband: I’d rather sleep in the guest room than suffer another night on your new heated mattress pad.
Me: Wait. I’m getting my own room???
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Me: Ugh, I have nothing to wear
Me on laundry day: Why do I have so many clothes
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.