Please can I keep him – he followed me home!
You Might Also Like
[father & son looking up at the night sky—observing starlight from millions of yrs ago] son, the most important thing in this world is money
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
BOSS: you’re late
ME: *grabs cup out of his hand* it’s pronounced “latte” but thanks
if you ask your child what the magic word is and they say ‘please’ then i guess well done. but if their eyes become blackholes and they speak in ancient mysterious rhymes then also well done and good luck
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
Clark Kent: How’s your lunch?
Bruce Wayne: This soup is great.
CK: don’t
BW: You could even say
CK: please don’t
BW: It’s Souper, man
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
Twitter has introduced me to like minded individuals and it’s comforting to know I won’t be going to hell alone
{In the Bedroom}
Wife: C’mon baby, DEEPER!
Me: *frantically reaching between the mattress and headboard* I’m trying! I don’t feel the remote anywhere.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
Spice up your marriage by slamming doors sometimes when you’re not even angry.
I asked the husband to take me shopping and he said “Take yourself.”
I can’t wait for him to ask for sex.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
“SO SANTA DOESN’T BELIEVE IN FORGIVENESS?!?” – my 5 year old destroying the “naughty list” bluff is the best gift he could have given me
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
📽️movie date🎞️
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
I love money. I set it free and it didn’t come back. Relationships are hard.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
You’re never too old to set goals. For example, today I’m not going to pee in my pants.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough