I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
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Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Dear Sir, I am writing this with a heavy heart. Sorry it’s so hard to read I should really find a pen
My bank assures me my money is safe with them, yet they keep their pens chained to desks and most of them are missing.
It was the best of times, it was the trying to get to the recipe at the bottom of a food blog of times
I’m what the New York Times once referred to as “an acquired taste…like bleach.”
Based on a survey of yard signs in my neighborhood, it appears “Drive Like Your Kids Live Here” has a slight lead over both the Democratic and Republican candidates.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
I bet that if you cooked the entire Earth in a giant microwave, it would somehow come out cold in the middle.
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
💁🏻♂️
I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
Thinking about getting my dog fixed. Shouldn’t be too expensive. Just needs an oil change and a new timing belt.
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*
Sir, you wanna box for those?
“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
Me: Did you see this photo of Abraham Lincoln riding a giraffe?
Her: I’m pretty certain that’s been photoshopped
Me: don’t be ridiculous, they didn’t have photoshop back then
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
Trying to convince a kid, no matter the age, that they’re tired, is like trying to tell a drunk they’re drunk. Denial & anger will follow.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
that colleague who touches your screen
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air
“I made a meal out of Rosemary tonight. Smell my fingers”
*Dating a girl named after a spice is awkward
Me: big date tonight. Any advice?
Pal: just be yourself! Pay her a compliment, ask her a question, talk about your interests…[Later]
Me: Hello. I like your teeth. What’s the capital of Venezuela? I enjoy food
Before Mississippi became a state, people measured time in Massachusettses.