Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
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I’m Agnostic, which means I’m an Atheist with commitment issues.
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Pretty certain the day I die my body will be found tangled in Saran Wrap with an untouched sandwich on the counter.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
A service where I can hire a child actor to come to my home and pretend to love the cartoons I watched back in the day so my kids will think they’re cool and I don’t have to watch any of this new bullshit.
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
Now this is how you LinkedIn
Probably my favorite thing about zoom calls is when people are running late but have literally no excuse, so they’re just like “sorry I’m late I’m just very bad at managing my time and also I don’t want to be here”.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Gandalf: are you ready for an adventure
Bilbo: no
Gandalf: can i come in for tea
Bilbo: also no
Gandalf: dinner with my friends?
Bilbo: i feel like you aren’t hearing me
Gandalf: no i am it’s ju- *stooping under the door* it’s just i really don’t give a shit what you want
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Some people enter your life just to improve your pronunciation.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
When they say “we are in an oversell situation and we’re offering $200 for passengers with flexible travel plans” I am absolutely the person who stands up and says “legally they have to give you 400% your ticket price. Don’t take less than $1300!! Everyone HOLD”.
Obama: Get Air Force One ready.
Biden: OK! *runs off*
Obama: The plane, not the movie.
*Biden does 360*
Biden: Yeah I know.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud