went fishing caught a bass
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ARUGULA is my favorite vegetable whose name sounds like a car horn from the 50’s.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
Ibuprofen is the new Chiclets for people over 40
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
I got a message on Facebook that said, “Your a lawyer, right?”
Me, “*You’re.”
May have lost a new client but they learned something today.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
PHIL COLLINS: Here tonight is the man who inspired my next song, “Fat Shithead Clogged My Toilet.”
[spotlight tracks me as I head for Exit]
me: you find me interesting? *acting coy & twirling my hair*
FBI agent: No, you are a ‘person of interest’ I need to ask you some questions
Impractical Joke: Replace my girlfriends house cat’s with mountain lions so she think’s she is shrinking.
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a fuse?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patr- oh
Son, I’m not a mad scientist, just a disappointed scientist.
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
do y’all like your PB&J with or without the door hinge
You look like the type of person who would try to write a check for a drug deal.
Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Widow: I remember how he always drank eight glasses of water a day
Guy at crematorium across town: WHY ISN’T THIS GUY BURNING
Jamaica has declared war on drugs.
Actually, they pretty much do everything on drugs.
Me: Why are you in such a bad mood?
5-year-old: I haven’t had my coffee.
Me: You’ve never had coffee.
5-year-old: Exactly.
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Fun prank:
Tell an English major how “impactful” something is.