*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
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If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
girlfriend: is crying
me, an empath: im sensing that you want me to go play playstation for a while
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
HER: Do you have any funny dating stories?
ME: [thinking about the time I wrote 2007 when it was actually 2008] Just one
Breaking news:
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
thanksgiving should be called feaster
God: you’re a zebra.
Zebra: nice!
God: you have black stripes.
Zebra: like a tiger?
God: yes exactly!
Zebra: so we’re the same!
God: no.
Zebra: why not?
God: you eat grass instead of meat.
Zebra: omg i’m a vegetarian tiger!
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
“Oh hey, Bill, you’re home early.”
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
Before you call me, ask yourself, “Can I text it?”
Before you text me, ask yourself, “Can I email it?”
Before you email me, ask yourself, “Can I just think it really, really hard?”
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
No, I don’t think I will.
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
live, laugh, laundry.
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
“This is the fourth lot of bacon to go missing this week. It can only mean one thing.”
“What’s that Sarge?”
“Someone’s building a pig.”