When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
You Might Also Like
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
My favorite part of The Bachelor is when a crazy emotional girl starts crying and he’d rather kiss her snot-nosed face than listen to her.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
It’s been a couple of weeks, and the new neighbours have not yet mentioned the inflatable dinosaur in my window.
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
the stickiest of King Arthur’s knights was Sir Up
Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
Slot twist: That USB drive goes in the other way. Turn it over
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
under my wife’s car waiting to grab her ankle and yell “how are you?”
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’