[plane about to crash]
him: if there’s anything you want to say to me, now’s the time.
me: I watched all of Stranger Things without you. Good news is I can tell you how it ends before we die.
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That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Standing in the liquor store, trying to decide if tonight’s dose of self-loathing and regret should have a screw-top or a cork.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Pizza is an emotion right?
Every so often I Google my name hoping someone stole my identity and made a better something out of myself.
Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.
5: I need you to give me some money.
Me: Why?
5: Let me worry about that.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
ever since i put all my eggs in one basket i have received unsolicited egg advice, you dont know my life, you dont know what im all about
[candle store]
WIFE: Do you have vanilla?
“No”
WIFE: Apple?
“Nope”
WIFE: Lavender?
“Sorry”
ME: Let’s go, this guy lacks common scents
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
[first date that up until now is going extremely well]
date: it’s nice to finally meet a normal guy
me: my dog’s name is jeff
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
hey can i get an ETA on that this too shall pass?
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”