her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
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My 7 yr old son drew a picture of an old woman.
I asked him who it was & he replied
“She comes into my bedroom to kiss me goodnight”
A chill ran down my spine then I remembered my mum is staying with us & it’s probably her.
Some people are scared of spiders and some people are scared of clowns but EVERYONE should be afraid of spiders dressed as clowns.
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
Aaaa…CHOO!
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
Wife: I thought you returned this movie three weeks ago?
Me: I wanted to watch it again.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: I found it in the refrigerator.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Sadly, no one came and cleaned my house while I was on vacation.
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
See a penny, pick it up, then all day you just have a dirty penny in your pocket
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
What’s your zodiac sign? I’m a banjo wizard.
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
Funny how in old video games you could just eat a whole turkey or a pizza you found on the street and it would make you better but my doctor specifically told me I had to stop doing that so who’s telling the truth
i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.