Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
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My vibe can loosely be described as “needs 2-day shipping for a book I probably won’t read for 7 months”.
{God Creating Humans}
Shave that monkey and make it complain about everything.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
I literally never cry, so my body makes up for it by leaking out of different places. My doctor says it’s called “peeing” what a dumb idiot.
Hey look! They named a candy after you!
*points to Dum Dums*
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
My favorite Yoga Pose is the Upward Facing Couch Potato.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is mississippi
pirate: m-i-s-s-i-s-s-i-p-p
judge: im sorry you’re missing an i
pirate: *sobbing* i know, it happened in a sword fight.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
I am a gravy boat captain
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
*rings bell*
“Can I help you?”
Yes I’d like a dragon on my back an-
*starts pooping on a crucifix*
WTF? *checks sign on door*
“Taboo Artist”
[puts dog in car]
Me to wife: just gonna take her to the vet
Wife: why u whispering
[car screeches away]
Me with wife in headlock: thats why
I put my laptop in incognito mode but it still has “DELL” written on its lid in big letters, so it obviously hasn’t worked.
” Let me be perfectly clear” – My Aquarium
My son, 5, scared of the thunder.
I told him that was silly considering the sun could explode any day, killing us all.
Think that helped.
If Nicole Kidman had a child with Gary Oldman, the child’s last name would be Middleagedman
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Me *buying alcohol*
Him: I need identification
Me *pointing* wine, vodka, beer, whiskey
Him: I meant you
Me: I’m Jon
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
*walks past German Shepherd and nods* Officer…