Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
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Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
People say I’m half naked when I’m 12% dressed because they’re bad at math
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
Son hunted 4 part of our family dinner 2night! With steady nerve & calm focus, he tracked down the hot dog buns for us at the grocery store.
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
A new level of troll.
What have you done…🐈🐾🥴
Sound On..🔊🆙
Relatives – Because sometimes you need reminding of your bad genes too
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
My favorite part of parenting is watching the same tiny human that just happily ate what he pulled out of his nose, gag over my homemade lasagna
I barely flinch for gunshots or fireworks but I jump a foot in the air in frozen terror if your land-line phone goes off.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
Who called them cat allergies and not meowlergies
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
I order so much Chinese food the delivery guy must think I’m a middle aged divorced homicide detective in an 80s movie.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
Guessing game but it’s when you’ve bought so many things off amazon you’ve forgot what’s in the boxes being delivered.
Primenesia?
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
ME: [watching tv]
FRIEND: You should turn it on tho
Today sucked so bad I had to stop by the liquor store on my way to the bar
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years