If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
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My neighbor won a hay show. Hay like in grass that livestock eats. There’s a show for it
Thinking about having kids?
Buy a plant.
If you can keep it alive for 18 years, hopefully you’re too old to have kids by then.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
If someone is throwing shade, they’re doing you a favor. Use it, avoid sun damage; let your perfect skin be something else for them to hate.
If I was told to pick one word to describe myself, I’d go with ” doesn’t pay attention to instructions.”
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
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It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
*Sweeping the floor
Lower back: “Time to go out!”
Brain: “Wait, why? We’re not doing anything the least bit strenuous!”
Lower Back: “Dunno, we just gotta”
*cries hunchbackedly
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
A gun is like a coupon that works anywhere
I wonder if the person who came up with the phrase ‘jumping on the bandwagon’ got really annoyed when everyone else started using it.
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
I’m terrible at balloon animals but pretty decent with balloon amoeba
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
ME (wearing Tommy Hilfiger): ready to go?
GF: not until u put on something less hideous
TOMMY HILFIGER (climbs off me): that was unnecessary
They make you fear empty nest syndrome as if you’ll never realize the joy in losing 5 loads of laundry.
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
[inventing napkin dispensers]
bob: it has 2 settings
exec: ok
bob: 1 at a time
exec: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
exec: first of all I love it
Horse buying tip: ALWAYS ask how much horsepower a horse has. If a horse has less than one horsepower, you’ve got yourself a crap horse.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
Had great idea for site for recent law grads called BarelyLegal .com. Turns out name was already taken. And their idea was much better.
This quarantine is making it hard to ignore calls from people I don’t want to talk to. It’s not like I can say “Sorry mom I was at the movies.”
Three conspiracy theorists walk in a bar. You can’t tell me that’s just coincidence.