Me: I just love dancing naked in summer rain!
Neighbour: that’s it, I’m turning the sprinkler off right now!
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ME: *opens car door for date like a gentleman*
DATE: *running and out of breath* PLEASE STOP THE CAR
The Riddler: riddle me this: what can you eat all night long, but never get full?
Batman: ?
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
[At job interview]
Manager: So, do you have any questions about the job?
Me: Yeah, can I have it?
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
Obviously, it would be hugely childish & wrong to chuckle at Linus & Florian, the backbone of Germany’s hockey team.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
WTF
Hey Dad, your neighbor called,
they wanna know if you could
turn down your TV, they’ve
already heard this episode of
Law & Order.
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
An 80’s style montage of me and a dog learning to use chopsticks, and the dog progressing marginally faster
Twitter was down earlier. I tried telling jokes on Grindr but it wasn’t as satisfying
I got groceries delivered from Safeway and there was a mix up where instead of hand soap and dish detergent I got a bag with 4 jars of salsa, I’m over here washing my hands with salsa and somewhere else in the city there’s a chips n’ soap party going on
My eyes: (seeing something in my peripheral vision)
OH MY GOD A GIANT BLIMP IS CRASHINNG OUT OF THE SKY AND HEADING STRAIGHT FOR OUR FACE
(one second later)
We’re getting a correction from the brain:
it is the world’s tiniest moth
Diary
June 28 1954
So it turns out my weakness is kryptonite. I can’t tell anybody this.June 30 1954
I accidentally told Lex. Should be ok
I get lots of strange looks because not only do I laugh at inappropriate times but I’m a very loud laugher, it’s a real detriment when you think of a joke while having sex.
happy mother’s day❤️
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
[Morgue]
Cop: Sir, I know it’s tough but we need you to ID the bodyMe looking at corpse: *takes deep breath* Are—are you over 21?
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
[office]
ME: I’m back from vacation!
BOSS: It’s been 4 1/2 years! You said a week in Venice!
ME: No, a week on Venus…which is 1701 days
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
I’m 100% sure Zebra’s didn’t earn those things.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*