Saturday
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That touchdown dance is exactly the same as mine when I wake up in a guy’s apartment and his furnished apartment has a nice view.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
When you’re pushing 40, the real life challenge is to find the pic angle where you don’t look like Jabba the Hut.
I’d like to schedule a disappointment.
Damn gurl, are you a wildfire? Because you just took my breath away
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
Me: *staring into mirror*
Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary, Bloody Mary
*skeleton bartender appears and slides me a drink*
SB: $8.50, $8.50, $8.50
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
90% of parenting is crumb identification.
Gemini: You may find yourself wondering if you’re dreaming or not. A simple test is to punch a cop in the face.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
*poetry 101 first day*
prof: okay so today just pick a subj-
me: (incredibly loud) i call oranges
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
I call this meeting of the Passive Aggressive Society to order.
*Person at the back* Oh, now we start!