Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
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ladies, when he’s sick, treat him right
1. make him chicken soup
2. tuck him in with the remote
3. buy a boa constrictor to snuggle him
*Cocks Gun* ” Any last requests?”
“Yes, do not shoot me with that gun.”
“Oh you!! Ya got me go ahead get outta here”!
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?
Him: Definitely! My place or yours?
Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
Explained occurrences: redditor runs into daylight savings time
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If you have more than 4 kids I automatically refer to you as a hoarder.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
Interviewer: So you were a Chernobyl tour guide?
Me: Yes, I was.
Interviewer: I see you have glowing reviews.
Me: Yeah, you might want to put those down
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
I’ve accepted that I’ll probably never say “I’d love to” without sounding sarcastic.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
A Japanese game show where you have to run through a room full of hungry German Shepherds holding your boyfriend’s mom’s cat.
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
Sorry I haven’t returned your text in 3 days, I was taking a nap.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Bought a standing desk yesterday. Today I bought a bar stool.
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
The duck was completely silent the entire ride. Didn’t say a single word to me. Five stars.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
Oh, you lost your phone and it’s on silent? That’s too bad. If you liked it then you should’ve put a ring on it.