Dog: Uh oh. Gonna puke.
Cat: OK, what you wanna do is, keep walking. Puke every ten feet or so. Make sure you get under the bed.
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No email needs to tell me not to reply.
My teen’s stories have a beginning, middle, and I need $20.
“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
Black ice is just like regular ice…
Except it’s a better dancer…
[interrogation]
COP: So you play the tuba do ya?
“No, the violin”
COP: Treble maker eh?
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.
sorry… can’t now, i’m busy nursing a hand cramp from getting a slightly bigger phone
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
Me: hey boy, wanna go back to my place and *hand jerking motion*
Him: oh yeah
[my place]
Me: *slams cup down on the table* YAHTZEE!!!
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
18: Thanks for the nuggets.
Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.
18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.
Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.
I figured out how to eat rice cakes. You have to frost them and then dip them into marshmallow fluff. Diet food isn’t so bad.
I’ve been eating cucumber slices instead of chips and when I close my eyes, I pretend I’m eating something more enjoyable, like broken glass or rusty nails.
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
This is the ideal male body. You may not like it but this is what peak performance looks like.
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
Just remembered a few years ago when I took my friends phone, went into his contacts and changed my name to Natalie Portman. A few days later I rang him and he answered, surprised but with real hope in his voice, “Hello… Natalie?”
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
If you don’t get my sarcasm, you obviously lack a sense of humor
If I don’t get your sarcasm, you just suck at it
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Kids, make sure you learn how to use a protractor in case one day you’re a teacher & have to show kids how to use a protractor.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary