Government Shutdown: Day 4
3am: Monkey House, National Zoo
A door crashes open.
A triumphant screech.Ben Stiller escapes into the night.
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*blowing up your phone at 3am*
I get it now. Skeletor is the hot one. Not He-Man.
[camera store]
Luke: I’d like to buy a tripod.
Yoda: There are only do-pods and do-not-pods.
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Sometimes I like to freak my husband out by asking where this relationship is going.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, can you stop making me stare at my phone all day? This isn’t funny. I just want to live life again.
PESSIMIST: Dark tunnel.
OPTIMIST: Light at the end of the tunnel.
REALIST: A train.
TRAIN OPERATOR: 3 idiots standing on the tracks.
I’m not here for the attention. I’m just looking for victims for my next batch of ‘meat’ pies.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
Watching Home Alone in 1990: oh poor Kevin, all alone with no family to celebrate the holidays
Watching Home Alone in 2018: that lucky little punk
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
<— only has 13 problems left.
Turns out, getting divorced cured 86 of em!
Bank Robber: Did anyone see my face?
Me: *raising hand* I’m pretty sure Barb did.
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
A few strategically placed “and shit’s” can really spice up your online dating profile (ie: “I’m attentive and shit…passionate and shit.”)
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Airbags should deploy in the form of balloon animals. Sure, you’ve been in an accident, but now you have a whimsical puppy dog.
toothfairy had to leave a note apologizing she couldn’t find the tooth last night despite CLEAR instructions to her customers where the designated tooth pick-up spot is.
By age 35, you should have figured out how to spell “bananas” without having to mentally sing Hollaback Girl
I wonder if the person who walked behind me for four blocks knows:
a) that we were racing,
And more importantly,
b) that I won.
Emojis are so weird. It’s like “I enjoyed your comment, here is a smiling disembodied head suffering from jaundice”.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
I love how my dog hears me in the kitchen and runs in, as if expecting to magically see four hamburgers and a steak just laying on the ground.
We’ve reached that part of the day where my kids ask what’s for dinner & then tell me they don’t want that for dinner.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr