this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
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[sexting]
HER: ok well i think we’re done here lol
ME: it’s bc i used ‘betwixt’ isn’t it?[typing ellipses for a solid minute]
HER: yes
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
Plastic surgeons offer a rhinoplasty menu so you can pick your nose.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
“you shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter” my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
Him: There’s something special about you.
Me: Some people tell me I smell like stinky cheese.
*His eyes glaze over* I love stinky cheese.
dear god make me a bird so I can fly. fly far far away and also so I can poop on people
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
When the party host collects everyone’s coats and throws them on their bed, I just stay in mine and take a nap among the jackets.
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?
Her: Oh, a handsome man like you must be used to compliments.
Me: Yes, but do go on…
Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
[During an interrogation]
Bad cop: That’s not gonna fly
Penguin cop: Seriosly? I’m right here
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
You actually can put a genie back in the bottle. You just have to purée them and use a funnel.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
When they spot a towel hanging neatly on a rack, teens consider it a personal challenge to rip it down, wad it up & leave it on the floor.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
12. I think about this all the damn time