Taking the day off to brush up on conspiracy theories and really get this thanksgiving party started.
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Does anybody know the long term exit strategy for the clapping thing?
Happy third birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
[robbing a bank]
accomplice: nice pantyhose
me: thanks
accomplice: on your face next time tho ok
Him: What’re you eating?
Me: All of it.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
I get it grandma. I’m not sure what to do on Facebook either.
It’s hard to take no prisoners in a war against puppies.
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Me: *folding a fitted sheet*
Ghost: Ouch.
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes