My handwriting looks like a fiddler crab riding a tricycle. No, FIGHTING a tricycle.
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Well well well, if it isn’t the guy who sprayed air freshener into my restroom stall…
Got in a fight with my neighbor again because I tripped his breaker while using his outdoor Christmas lights as an extension cord for my outdoor Christmas lights.
“Knock knock”
“Who’s there?”
“Pizza”
“My new boyfriend who?
“No. Pizza”
“My future husband who?”
“No.”
“Playing hard to get who?”
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
Rather than crush the spider I started telling it about my fantasy football team and it peacefully left on its own.
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
VILLAIN: Hello, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expecting-
BOND: OMG congrats! How far along are you?
V: What? No-
B: Have you picked out a name yet?
me: *jumping out of a cake*
guy in next urinal: DUDE
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
HARRY JR: what do you see in the mirror of desire, papa
HARRY SR: well if i look closely i see you mowing the lawn this morning like i asked
Would like to be a man who dies with his boots on, but knowing my luck it will be a day I chose to wear socks with a pair of Crocs and my friends will have fun with that.
Protip: If your wife says don’t put your oversized grilling spatula and tongs in the dishwasher, just hand wash them, she means right then.
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
My son is ready to be picked up from daycare *
*Best Buy called to let me know my computer is ready
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
LOL pills that say don’t take with alcohol. Ok Doc, how do YOU
suggest I take my medication then?
sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
People always ask us if Die Hard is a Christmas movie and our answer is always the same: Please just rent something.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
You know you drank too much last night when you have to use google maps to locate yourself the next morning.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding